Not Communicating Is Also a Form of Communication

When you try not to communicate with someone at work, you are already sending them a message. You know that you are not speaking to them, and the other person will probably notice the distance between you. Silence, avoidance and ignoring someone can also be interpreted as messages.

In other words, communication does not consist only of what we say. What we leave unsaid and what we do not do can also affect our relationships.

One of the issues I often encounter in my coaching work is the difficulty managers and employees have in communicating with each other. Speaking openly can become particularly difficult in relationships involving hierarchy.

“What if they do not like me?”

“What if they judge what I say negatively?”

“What if they think I am not good enough?”

Concerns like these can sometimes prevent people from expressing their thoughts openly, asking questions or requesting feedback. While trying to protect themselves, they may also reduce their visibility and contribution.

Other thoughts may then appear:

“My manager does not notice me.”

“My manager communicates with everyone except me.”

“They must be prejudiced against me.”

However, we cannot know how accurately these interpretations reflect reality without speaking to the other person. The situation may result from the employee’s behaviour, the manager’s attitude, the relationship between them or the organisation’s communication environment. Instead of immediately blaming ourselves or the other person, it may be more useful to try to understand the situation.

We can begin with these questions:

What specific behaviours make me think that I am not being noticed?

How am I behaving in this relationship?

Do I have concerns or assumptions that prevent me from communicating?

What can I do to understand the other person’s perspective?

Can I express my needs openly and directly?

Asking for feedback is also an important part of this process. However, asking for feedback is not enough. To be useful, it must be given openly, specifically and in a safe environment.

Our eyes can see many things around us, but we need a reflection to see ourselves directly. Other people’s observations can provide this reflection. However, feedback is not always the absolute truth. We need to listen to it, consider it and compare it with our own experience.

Sometimes the first step towards improving communication is simply this:

Recognising what message our silence is sending to the other person.